You might call me a punk connoisseur. And by you I mean me. And by connoisseur I mean I’ve been to a couple of punk shows recently. Which means I’ve amassed a VAST wealth of knowledge about attending punk rock shows that I’d like to share with you, the reader who’s about to attend your first punk rock show. And to help me are my very very good friends, whom I’ve never ever met, The Vandoliers, The Bronx, and Flogging Molly.
TIP 1: LOCATE THE MOSH GUARD
Usually at a punk rock show, a man will attend wearing a red hat, sunscreen, red shorts, red crocs, and a shirt saying “mosh guard”. Locate this individual in case you need help in the mosh pit.
TIP 2: IF THE BAND SAYS SCREAM, SCREAM. IF THEY SAY CLAP, CLAP
Punk rock shows are an aggressive and spiritual journey. You pay good money to have experts guide you through it like a Peruvian Shaman. Trust them. Listen to them. When The Vandoliers ask you to wave your hands, you wave your hands. When The Bronx asks you to scream, you scream. And when Flogging Molly asks you to sing, you sing. Because not listening to your punk rock guides is like taking ayahuasca on your own in the middle of October.
TIP 3: IF THE SINGER THROWS YOU A GUINNESS, DRINK IT
This typically happens if you’re front stage at a Flogging Molly show. If Dave throws you a Guinness, even if dark brews aren’t your preferred drink, you drink it. Although you’re crazy if you don’t enjoy a nice, warm Guinness thrown to you by the lead fucking singer of Flogging fucking Molly.
TIP 4: IF THE SINGER JUMPS INTO THE CROWD TO START A MOSH PIT, YOU START A FUCKING MOSH PIT
There’s a good chance that during The Bronx’s set, Matt will jump into the crowd to form a mosh pit. When this happens, if you are nearby, you must join in the pit. If you do not, you must be ready to help the mosh guard protect the moshers should they need it.
TIP 5: DON’T STAND NEXT TO ANOTHER MAN AT THE URINAL
This is less of a tip and more of a life rule. If there’s one empty urinal, and there’s a man standing next to it with his dick in his hand peeing, there’s zero empty urinals.
TIP 6: JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE IN THE BACK DOESN’T MEAN YOU CAN’T PARTICIPATE
It’s a requirement to participate if you’re in the front. But if you’re in the back, you can still participate! For instance, if you’re a huge fan of The Vandoliers, but for some reason you’re in the very back of the venue, scream so loud that you make my ears ring! And if I’m not next to you, so loud that the band can hear you!
But the stands aren’t limited to just singing! You can also dance in the stands. You can skank in the stands. Fuck, you can even mosh in the stands. Nobody is going to be angry about a random mosh pit at a punk rock show! In fact, if you get one big enough going, one of the lead singers might join you…
TIP 7: TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT!
Girls, feel free to partake if you’d like! But fat men, you must lose your shirt at some point, as demonstrated below by The Vandoliers.
TIP 8: CARDIO
The bands are going to jump around. Your nearest fellow concert goers are going to jump around. And if you don’t practice your cardio in the week leading up to the show, you’re gonna be the only one not jumping around.
Don’t be a chump. Be safe when the zombie apocalypse comes. Be safe at the punk rock show. Do your cardio.
TIP 9: DON’T EXPERIMENT ON ANIMALS BUT DO PREPARE TO BE EXPERIMENTED ON
Bands typically go on tour to promote new albums. Take, for instance, Flogging Molly. They have a new album called Anthem. They have songs on that album that they’ve obviously never played live. They are going to play these songs live. It might work out, it might not. Be prepared for whatever happens when these new songs are played, knowing that if worse comes to worse, Seven Deadly Sins is right around the corner.
TIP 10: PUNK IS WHERE YOU GO TO MAKE FRIENDS FOR LIFE
The most important and cliche tip. Where your wife is also your violinist, your openers are former lifelong fans turned current friends, and every opportunity to embarrass your crew you take. If you fall in the pit, your new best friend will pick you up. If you vomit in the toilet, your new best friend will hold back your beard hair (or normal hair if you’re not bald). And if you’re underage and asking for a Guinness, everyone will tell you no because drinking is bad for you while they have a cocktail in their hand because you know an Irish punk band isn’t going to let people of legal age go thirsty.
I hope these tips have helped prepare you for your first punk rock show! And I’d like to thank my bestest ever friends (who again I’ve never met), The Vandoliers, The Bronx, and Flogging Molly. If you want to put these rules into practice, these bands are currently on tour and playing a city near you.
