More foreign bands are in town – Korpiklaani (Finland), Visions Of Atlantis (Austria), Illumishade (Switzerland). And so obviously this calls for the high-ciety prick!
Well, maybe not. The theming was so on point tonight, and something I’ve yet to see in Colorado, that it reminded me of Disneyland. Yes, Visions Of Atlantis being 200% pirate helped. Yes, Korpiklaani being 100% gnome helped. But a Disneyland themed review? That’s a first for me. So tonight, the prick stayed home while I rode the rides of whatever the fuck this tour is called.
Starting with Illumishade, aka the Matterhorn. They reminded me of that because they’re Swiss, and so is the Matterhorn.
That’s about it. The Matterhorn is a rollercoaster themed around a yeti whereas Illumishade are people themed around fun and being vegan. And by being vegan, I mean eating bananas on stage because that’s what vegans eat when they’re hungry.
Well, maybe that isn’t about it. The Matterhorn makes people of all ages smile unless they have a bad back. Illumishade, with their infectious positivity, free patch giveaways, and heavy thematic music, also make people of all ages smile unless they have a bad back because, you know, the pit.
But the Matterhorn is rough as fuck – the track is shit. Illumishade aren’t rough as fuck – their tracks are tight. Hell, they’re so tight that when guitarist Jonas Wolf broke a string, I only noticed because I could physically see the broken string with my own two eyes. Otherwise I would never have known.
The next ride I rode was Pirates Of The Caribbean. Obviously that’s Vision Of Atlantis, who didn’t once drop the pirate theme. I’ve waited almost 20 years to see Visions Of Atlantis, and I mean I listened to their album Trinity (2007) in school because they were European and that made me feel cool. I was cultured.
Austrian pirate culture is still culture!
History lesson aside, I did feel like I was on Pirates with them. Not just the immense theming, but if you go on Pirates, there’s a restaurant inside the ride that you can actually eat at – it’s very immersive. Visions Of Atlantis were also very immersive, giving the audience 3 challenges to complete:
1) scream “hail Jolly Roger!” and “Armada!”
2) jump up and down so we can have a pirate party,
3) sit down and row the pirate ship.
Not only did everyone else complete all 3 challenges, including sitting on the ground and rowing a fucking pirate ship in the middle of the Gothic Theatre (yes, you read that right, Visions Of Atlantis turned the Gothic into a boat), but as someone whose day job is in youth education, I give my 5 year old students the exact same challenges at the end of every class! People always thought it was weird I had a room full of kids screaming “Armada!” while rowing a ship, but who’s laughing now?
Pirates Of The Caribbean, and all other rides at Disneyland, frequently have “technical difficulties”. So did Visions Of Atlantis. But while Disneyland difficulties piss you the fuck off, Visions Of Atlantis difficulties… don’t. Shooting the shit with a handful of pirates is actually quite fun. People wait hours in line at Disneyland to spend 30 seconds with some actor in costume. All we had to do was wait for the tech to break.
It was very much worth the nearly 20 year wait.
And my final ride of the evening… wait for it… Winnie The Pooh! That’s because Korpiklaani are fucking gnomes, complete with a fence and plants on stage. And where there’s weird characters living in a weird forest… Winnie The Pooh!
When you ride Winnie The Pooh, you feel like you’re almost on an acid trip. And that’s the same feeling when it comes to Korpiklaani thanks to their theming.
When you ride Winnie The Pooh, it’s usually because there’s basically no wait. It’s not really a destination ride. But Korpiklaani is definitely a destination ride. People would run, or dance hand in hand, from the bar to the pit just to not miss the experience of moshing during their favourite song. Which is thoroughly enjoyable as a spectator, by the way. Just ignore my resting bitch face.
Winnie The Pooh is slow, but Jarkko Aaltonen’s fingers go fast as fuck across those bass strings, and I think someone should acknowledge that. Give that man’s fingers an ice bath!
Anyways, if you wanted to see a less drunk and more thematic Gogol Bordello, Korpiklaani is your band.
The thematic attention to detail was so great for a small tour like this. Each band radiated fun. And even though I hate Disney through multiple lenses, there’s no denying the talent and attention to detail the engineers have. Like, come on, when will I get to make a Disneyland comparison on this blog again?
Probably never. Unless these bands come back to town.
But can bands stop printing on only black shirts? It sucks when there’s only emo-phase merch but I’m in my metro-fabulous phase.
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