For those of you who aren’t scared of driving behind log trucks, let me quickly tell you what Final Destination is: it’s a movie series where Death is a sentient, slightly autistic Rube Goldberg machine that kills you. And if you cheat him, oh boy will he get you! In the same order you were supposed to die of course.
Final Destination: Bloodlines is the latest reincarnation of that, exploring what would happen if someone cheated death and then had a family. And then, after decades, granny died and autistic Death was finally able to get her family. Lt me tell you, for a Final Destination film, this is a perfect 5/7. And for a regular film, a normal 5/7.
In the trailer, they do show one of the deaths – a backyard barbeque death. And boy oh boy is that the least surprising Rube Goldberg machine in the film. If you go into this film knowing it’s a Final Destination film, it’s hilarious and enjoyable in how over-the-top and implausible it is. If you go into this without being traumatized by pool drains, you might think it’s terrible but with some nice gore.
I laughed. I cringed. I didn’t cry because it’s not that deep despite its best efforts but I did smile at all the foreshadowing because I own the entire series on DVD and I knew what was coming – an OK GO video if they were serial killers instead of musicians. I’m now scared of restaurants at the top of spires and hospital vending machines. And oddly enough, pennies. You old bitch.
I do have a complaint, and it’s simply this: why not give Tony Todd a proper, Final Destination exit? I know his death is a recent event, but I’m sure he would have loved if his character, basically the face of Death in the series, got the most extravagant death of them all, right at the end, which also would have made perfect sense story wise. It would have been a much more touching tribute than text during the credits.
