I’ve been pissed off this week. The sun gave me second degree sunburns and ruined my perfect, sculpted body (editors note: fysmadmin is fucking fat). I’ve been fantasizing about beating the shit out of the sun. And I know I would lose – the sun is very big. But I’m so angry that I don’t even care.
And fortunately for me, there was a metal festival this weekend to release the aggression. Unfortunately for me, the venue looked like someone’s garage. And I’m a polite motherfucker. I’m not going to tear apart someone’s garage.
There were a ton of bands playing this WyCo Metal Festival. Just to list a few: Condemned To Burn, Blood Across The Sky, Chemical Violet, Eternal Reality, A Vintage Future, Corpse Medicine, Proof Of Life.
Actually, that’s all of them. Let’s start this bitch.
The first thing to know is that Seventh Circle Collective is small. And in a garage. It feels like an OG punk venue with DIY everything. It’s not a venue you go to to get wasted and smoke heroin. It’s a place you go to to see future famous bands and drink H20.
Which makes for a sick ass vibe. And if I’m being honest, which I will be because that’s the only reason why you guys read this, I wasn’t really paying attention to Condemned To Burn as they opened the festival. The vibe of Seventh Circle was so invigorating. Totally tubular. Radical radish. I was too busy to pay attention to Condemned To Burn. Were they good? I assume so. They had a gun shooting bubbles. Would a shitty band have a gun shooting bubbles? No. They would not.
But I owe it to you guys to pay attention and report on the facts. So that’s what I did during Blood Across The Sky. Here’s the breakdown:
Stage presence: Idk there wasn’t enough room for them all.
Musicality: Go listen to them on the internet and decide for yourself you lazy pricks.
Crowd Interaction: Brad Pitt (editors note: why the hell aren’t you explaining this?).
I know I’m about as poetic as Shakespeare engaging a jalapeno suppository, but if your band is so rowdy that you literally can’t all be on stage at the same time for safety reasons, you’re probably doing something right.
And then Evanescence-esque Chemical Violet played and I was introduced to my first arch nemesis…es. They have a lot of different social medias.
I have zero.
You know what has to happen next.
Time to hop into the ring.
And THEN the bands from Wyoming played. Because it only makes sense to have the people with the longest drives home play last.
Eternal Reality tore it the fuck up. They had the first mosh pit of the festival, which for some reason involved a person in a cone. Some old dudes were moshing in the back and dropped a ladder on me because apparently dropping things on me is in fashion. They ran out of gray shirts.
Which is nice for them and unfortunate for me. Not everything is just honky dory here in Colorado.
Like how I also didn’t vibe with A Vintage Future.
I don’t know why. Those bastards are whimsical little wizards. They were very comfortable on stage. They dressed up in one of my favourite —
Wait, no, I lied, I know why. I hyped myself up on the steampunk aspect of their show but there wasn’t enough room to go full steampunk. They had the sick steampunk costumes, but that’s basically it. No space for sick steampunk props or sick steampunk lights and, let’s be real, you don’t go to this sick little venue for their multi million dollar sound system. And that made me sad because steampunk is one of my favourite genres of anything.
If you’re reading this Vintage Future, go to Lowes, buy some copper and paint, make yourself some mic stands and amp covers and bubble guns and other props, and then reach out to me via social media next time you’re in Colorado.
Just kidding. I have no social media. Do it the old fashioned way – stalk me! Dressed as a creepy clown. You remember the creepy clowns, right?
Right?
RIGHT?
Shit. Quick. Distraction. How in the fuck can that big dude in Corpse Medicine get his voice that high? Was someone doing a two finger salute up his ass? Incredible!
I also want to shout out my favourite song of their set, Death Metal Country, which they played 3 times and it was different every time. Apparently they changed their set list before the show. I don’t know, I’m just relaying what I heard. Which was Death Metal Country. 3 times. Never the same. Great song each time. Highly recommend it. 6 out of 5 stars.
No cap either, as I think the kids say. It may have been the almost end to a long day, but that didn’t stop Corpse Medicine from forcing people to have a good time.
With metal of course! Nothing else. Definitely nothing illegal or looked down upon.
And finally, Proof Of Life closed the show. And while I’m not a religious man, thank fucking god they were good. Could you imagine if we spent all day at that little venue just waiting until the very last band… and they were shit? Let’s not beat around the bush – we know local bands are hit and miss. What if that was our reality? What if they were utter horse bollocks?
Proof Of Life wasn’t utter horse bollocks, so we’re good! We ended the night on a high note! Hopefully all the Wyoming bands made it home safely while the Colorado bands we’re already in bed sleeping because, you know, the locals played first.
Now I’m not one to ever pick favourites, but if I had to choose from this show… it was Condemned To Burn. Mainly because they had a bubble gun, and I’m a child. I’m a fucking manchild.
If y’all didn’t notice, I have a new page up. It’s a store! That’s right. Eventually, sometime in the future, you can rock some Fuck Your Social Media merch.
