Whenever touring musicians visit the city of “Denver”, as aboriginal nerdcore legends MC Frontalot and Schaffer The Darklord absurdly called the municipality of Englewood located in Arapahoe County in the state of Colorado, they must earn their welcome. MC Frontalot and Schaffer The Darklord tried to do just that tonight, although mislabeling the City of Englewood as Denver was an absurd way to begin!
Their first attempt at regaling us Coloradans was by inviting a group on stage that may or may not have been from the county of Arapahoe as they never specified, but they were in fact from the state of Colorado, which is where we were. That group was called The White Moms.
I’m not here to judge bands from Colorado-based municipalities or counties or cities or suburbs, but I would be remissed if I did not acknowledge the numerous elephants in the room!
The White Moms are not moms, they are men of unknown child-having status. Only one of these men of unknown child-having status was white. And their music had nothing to do with white moms or moms at all!
Tsk tsk! We shake our fingers at you The One-Third White Men Of Unknown Child-Having Status!
Now that I’ve kicked the elephants out of the room, I want to apologise for both my prepositions and what I can only think was shenanigans from our out of state friends. The “White Moms” had technical difficulties at the beginning of their set. That’s my worst nightmare as a non-performing musician, so regards for how they handled it – professionally and humorously!
Their music was good for the hip hop genre and I’m glad they didn’t rap about white moms. I love all moms and that would have made my MILF-loving penis erect. They did not crash and burn as they predicted during their initial difficulties and were actually quite entertaining.
That was a good offering from MC Frontalot and Schaffer The Darklord, the ladder being next up on the stage.
Schaffer The Darklord began not with music, but with compliments towards The “White Moms” and Alex The Soundguy. Other cities in other states might fall for the pleasantries but Coloradans are smart and sassy and assume better of their guests! We’re here for entertainment (and also compliments)!
Schaffer The Darklord attempted to win us over by spending his entire time on stage rapping about his penis without actually using the word penis or, until the end, acknowledging his penis. For instance, he claimed at one point he was rapping about 79 different Star Wars figures, but we all know it was 79 different names for his penis!
This was an all ages show, so rapping about your penis is not good. Strike one!
He then tried to regale us with stories of various topics. Some were about rival cities, but again, Coloradans are too smart and sassy to fall for those niceties. He talked about touching our dogs and cumming in boxes.
Unfortunately for Schaffer The Darklord, he only promised a small amount of DNA in the box he promised to send us if we sent him “Star Wars Figurine Accessories”. The quotation marks are because we know what he really meant. But in Colorado, when we cum in boxes, we cum a full and healthy load! We don’t cum dribbles of DNA but floods of DNA! And because of that, forgive my preposition again, strike two.
Schaffer The Darklord may have mesmerised the others with his songs and stories, but as the sole and self appointed gatekeeper of the municipality of Englewood, he wasn’t able to mesmerise me. Two strikes Mr. Schaffer. Two strikes! Less penis and more semen!
MC Frontalot headlined the show and came up on stage both next and last. He didn’t complain about the altitude which means he actually starts out with a hit!
But he doesn’t sell children, so I’m going to remove the hit because us Coloradans know you can and should sell children if the financial situation arises. That was a silly thing for MC Frontalot to mention in Englewood.
Most musicians attempt to win over Coloradans with sing-a-long songs and sing-a-long moments in their performance. MC Frontalot followed this cliche, but instead of allowing us to sing like the grown ass adults we are, made us sing like children!
We’re not children! Well, most of us weren’t children! For not letting us sing like the grown ass adults we were, strike one!
MC Frontalot was dressed exactly as my tenth grade English teacher but had the composure and stare of someone waiting to give out an undeserved detention. I can’t strike MC Frontalot for this, but I want it to be known that my English teacher in tenth grade was not an intense individual.
MC Frontalot didn’t regale us with as many stories as his predecessor STD, but MC Frontalot also didn’t rap about his penis so didn’t require any distractions. The songs performed were better in this live format than the recorded format, so for that I’ll erase one strike from MC Frontalot and bring him back to zero.
MC Frontalot and Schaffer The Darklord did provide a show worthy of my top 3 rap show rankings. I know what you’re thinking: I’ve only been to, like, 3 rap shows! But even if I had been to 4, or 5, or 6, my ranking would still stand.
The big question is: does a top 3 ranking negate the very obvious and clear strikes? Maybe. Maybe not. There is one more thing I’m forgetting:
As a proud blog owner, your personal attack on me and my lovely blog tallies as three strikes. You’re out!
Actually, I’m more of an indifferent blog owner. It’d be weird if a website called “Fuck Your Social Media” took that shit seriously. But don’t let that distract you from my merch that’s shit!
