I’ve never been to Japan. I’ve never heard jpop music. Is it like kpop, another genre I’ve never heard? Apop, which is the American version that ruptures your insides? Nkpop, which praises Great Leader Kim Jong-Un?
I don’t know. But Babymetal came to Denver, Babymetal is jpop, and Babymetal was who I chose to learn me.
Dethklok opened the night. That’s a bit strange – why would the greatest metal band on Earth open for a pop band? Interesting.
If one assumes Dethklok is a version of jpop, than here’s what one can assume jpop is:
Jpop is a very visual medium. Watching Dethklok is like watching Metalocalypse with a live orchestra. Which is great for me because last time I watched Metalocalypse it was on mute and I didn’t know there was supposed to be sound. It didn’t stop me from putting an elbow through my wall though, but that’s because I saw a fly and wanted to kill it. Fortunately, there were no walls to break through tonight, only other people. Which, now that I think about it, is rather unfortunate since, well, it’s Dethklok and holes will be created in some shape or form during the night.
Jpop is a very idol-driven medium. Dethklok aren’t basically gods. They literally are gods. That’s why they turn the lights down – if you see Dethklok in person, there’s a good chance their magnificence will kill you. And that’s bad for business, so they turn down the lights and have you watch TV instead.
Jpop is a very heavy medium. Dethklok is a metal band. They’re the best metal band on Earth. They have literal face melting solos, hell-raising breakdowns, and the only growls in the universe that can stave off demons. And they shared a bill with a jpop band. Does that mean jpop is heavy? Is this like Sean Mendez sharing a bill with T-Swift? Or is this like Dethklok sharing a bill with Nemo On Ice?
Jpop is a very positive medium. Dethklok’s show is full of positive messages. Take a shower. Trip responsibly. Ejaculate fire out of your penis to send your enemies to hell. Very positive messages that, to be honest, American pop music is missing.
Jpop is a happy medium. Being packed like a sardine in a very large room might sound claustrophobic, but it was such a happy experience watching the greatest band in the world with a bunch of other dumb fucks who were just as dumb as me. And let me tell you, that is a very low bar. Or high bar? I’m very dumb. But I felt very smart surrounded by Dethklok fans. Let’s leave it at that.
But is Dethklok truly jpop? Babymetal was next to give me my answer. And according to Babymetal, this is what jpop is:
Jpop is a very visual medium. The band behind the girls looked like Slipknot. The girls themselves – Su-metal, Moametal, Momometal – wore thematic clothing. And they had fantastic dance numbers accompanying every song. Imagine if Slipknot made a Bollywood music video. That’s the type of visual medium that makes up 100% of jpop. And if Babymetal can do that and be jpop, than of course Dethklok, by definition, is jpop.
Jpop is a very idol-driven medium. Japan’s music scene involves God-like performers called “idols”, and Babymetal demonstrate that exactly as the spirit of the fox prowls through their performance. Babymetal are treated like Gods, Dethklok are Gods, which makes Dethklok, by definition, jpop.
Jpop is a very heavy medium. Yes, the backing band looked like Slipknot, but they also played as if they were Slipknot. I’m talking growls. I’m talking breakdowns. I’m talking face-melting (but not literally) solos. Jpop isn’t something made on a computer by 20 underpaid songwriters – jpop is something made on guitars by the spawns of the dead. Dethklok makes heavy music with the help of the dead. Therefore, by definition, Dethklok is still jpop.
Jpop is a very positive medium. I don’t know Japanese, but I do know what chocolate is. And if these girls can sing about chocolate over a metal breakdown, than one can only assume all their other lyrics are equally as positive. To a Japanese speaking audience. Or people who know Japanese. Look, if I knew Japanese, I bet you there would be nothing but positivity in Babymetal’s lyrics. And if Babymetal, a famous jpop band, can spout positivity, and Dethklok, a famous American metal band, can spout positivity, Dethklok must be, by definition, jpop.
Jpop is a very happy medium. I will admit, I cried a bit during Gimme Chocolate!!!!!!!!!!. And METAL!!!. And Pa Pa Ya. But these weren’t sad tears. Jpop has a way of piercing your heart, and not in the way that Dethklok does (which is with knives and claws and axes and mermaids and revenge). Babymetal, and by extension 100% of jpop, pierces your heart with beautiful dancing, beautiful lyrics you don’t understand, cultural learning, fantastic costumes, and themes that everyone can connect with. And while piercing someone’s heart with a heartfelt show is slightly different from piercing someone’s heart with weapons, both Babymetal and Dethklok pierce hearts. So by definition, again, Dethklok is metal.
If you’re following the above rules, Dethklok is, by definition, a jpop band. And if Dethklok is jpop, and Babymetal is jpop… What the fuck is wrong with America? Don’t get me wrong, I love me some Taylor Swift. But if given the choice between T-Dawg and a jpop band like Babymetal, I would choose the jpop band every day of the week and twice on Saturday because I can sleep in Sunday.
Plus, when it ruptures my insides, I can see it coming because it’s with a knife or mermaid.
To everyone who’s already experienced this event, I look forward to sharing our Babymetal and Dethklok stories. And to anyone who hasn’t, you’re stupid and your life sucks and I want to sell your dead body for profit.
Positivity!
And yes, this is the third tour to reach my coveted “must see” list.
With this being the end of the tour, I’m sure a lot of media people know there’s requirements and contracts to shooting this lineup. I want to take this opportunity to make it very clear that I only do things I agree with. For instance, Babymetal has to approve your images. There’s been pervy photographers perving on Babymetal in the past, so fine, here’s my images, you can make sure I’m not a piece of shit.
But sometimes, bands will require absurd concessions. For instance, some bands might require photographers to give them all their images for free. And those bands go against all my moral fibers for the simple fact that that’s how I make money and I don’t see you giving me a free run at your merch booth ya assholes. If you want my shit for free, give me your shit for free.
But big outlets don’t care – they don’t pay their staff, don’t protect their staff, and care only about clicks. Like Variety. The only way to cover that show is to give away all the photographer’s hard work for free. And I guaran-fucking-tee you Variety didn’t reimburse their photographer for any of that. They gave away their photographer’s potential revenue for a couple extra clicks because they’re sellouts that think their audience is dumb while pretending the opposite. At least I don’t pretend.
Art is the only thing keeping us sane in this bullshit world. Without art, we’d have to find our sanity in other ways, like by eating rich people and burning down billion dollar homes. Never undersell your art. Never let people take advantage of you. And support others how you want to be supported.
Which is why I have a large collection of concert tees in my closet.
