Finally a talent I have – the US Air Guitar Championships!

Or maybe not.

I know about as much about air guitar as you, which is nothing at all. So buckle up buttercup because we need to learn some shit. Let’s start with the rules:

1. No props
2. No other people
3. You have 60 seconds
4. Round 1 is freestyle, round 2 is a surprise song

And that’s it. It’s 60 seconds of convincing the audience you’re Agnes the old lady, or Air Ventura the Fret Detective, or Dread Flanders, or whatever the fuck your name is. Now I don’t want you dicks to know too much about me, but I do have experience with “burst acting”, which is what I’m calling it when you have a short period of time to act. It ain’t easy, so props to these people for doing it in front of a large crowd.

And who are these people? I don’t fucking know. There were 25 regional winners competing. I’ll figure it out and post a list here.

<insert list here>

Agnes
Spider Monkey
Rock N’Heimer
AIRISTOTLE
Dread Flanders
Dungeon MastAIR
Stonehenge
Tyrannicus
CindAIRella
Strumbledore
Lightning Mike Myers
Jessie Spandex
Sleazy Ray Von
Nicophiliac
Legolas, Lord of the Rock
Rusty Flair
Air Ventura Fret Detective
Georgia Lunch
Hennesy Wiliams
Lost Heartbreakers
Kiki Pink
Fan Air Nation
Crusher
Hammeron
Trashcan Willie

Now that you know what air guitar is, let’s back it up. Because I had no idea what the fuck to expect going in. I kept checking my phone waiting for 8pm to hit so I could finally see what the hell I got myself into. And, uh, well, how do I describe it?

Imagine your friends got drunk, went through your closet, and rocked out to your favourite CD in the stupidest clothes they could find. At least, that’s how I felt watching Strumbledore. That’s what air guitar is like. Except it’s 25 people. On a big stage. In front of a crowd. With a trip to Finland to represent the United States on the line.

And it’s all for charity – The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society!

Round 1: the first round is freestyle. That means everyone better pull out their best moves because they actually can practice this shit in their homes or at a public library. And they did. Well, some of them. Some of them were rookies and didn’t. It is what it is. But I won’t judge because it’s not like I was ballsy enough to get on stage. And I also wasn’t a judge.

They were.

Anyways, I’m not going to bore you with words. Instead, I’m going to show you a picture of a wizard in American Flag tights:

Look at that ass. Strumbledore is Hogwart’s ass.

Halftime: between round 1 and round 2, they had a painter out on stage. The same ones you see on America’s Got Talent that wow the audience but they never get through because they aren’t singers and the whole point of the show is for Simon Cowell to find singers to sign. Yeah, they had one of those. And I’ll tell you what – with some dark ambience, it’s intriguing. It’s got a classic 3 act structure somehow. But they don’t sing so I guess those artists are relegated to creating custom pieces on one off stages at the Bluebird.

Which, by the way, pulled in $2000 for charity. Lucky pricks. It was a good painting. I would’ve paid $30 for it before going into the red.

Round 2: The top 5 (or so) competitors battled it out with a surprise song. Because there was only like, 5 or so people, I remember who they were.

They were:

Lightning Michael Myers
Tyrannicus
AIRISTOTLE
Rock N’Heimer
Dungeon MastAIR
Air Ventura Fret Detective
Agnes
Heartbreaker

8’s about 5, no? Anyways, they played some Prince song. Do I care which one? No. I wanted Carly Rae Jepsen.

But they played a Prince song. And then they tallied the scores. Then someone won. Then they had a group Freebird sesh and auctioned off another painting for charity.

It’s air guitar. This isn’t some TaylAIR Swift bullshit (who was playing night 2 down the street again). It’s your drunk friends bullshit. It’s part comedy part music part WTF bullshit. Are you going to regret paying $30 for a ticket? No!… Wait, let me backtrack. If watching Sleazy Ray Von oil his chest with lube offends you, you might. But that’s besides the point, and honestly, you should stop being so prude. Sexy is sexy. I’d pay $40 for 3 hours of just that if I had the money!

Let’s go back to the top. Did I finally find a skill I could do? Maybe. Stay tuned. And just look at the fucking pictures. Honestly, I have pictures of Sleazy Ray Von oiling his chest. Why would you want to read about it when you could literally look at it?