What is it with me and McDonald’s in Colorado? I wasn’t even on drugs tonight – I just wanted a Big Mac, fries, and chocolate milkshake like the fat ass I’m trying to be.
So I walked into what I thought would be a normal fucking McDonald’s and was greeted by two spacemen with too much clothing on.
“Are you going to take my order?” I asked. “Is this a McDonald’s?”
Oh boy, I wish the night was as simple as those questions. But no. Instead, it was like conversing with a prehistoric caveman who just learned English. “I’m Spaceman Bob. I’m Spaceman Bob. You’re not Spaceman Bob. I’m Spaceman Bob.”
Great. Can I get a fucking burger Spaceman Bob? I’ll save you, the reader, time – no. Instead of taking my order, he danced around on stage while yelling at me about my anxiety, of which I had a lot because I was hungry, and my dumb ass 9-5 job, of which I don’t have anymore, which caused me even more anxiety.
I don’t know what planet this McDonald’s was on, but it certainly wasn’t Earth. The only part that maybe slightly resembled an Earth McDonald’s would be in the amount of clothing they took off – not enough to be a Waffle House, but too little to be a Wendy’s. They stripped the perfect amount for an Earth McDonald’s. And for that, I stayed and gave them a thumbs up on Yelp.
Staying may not have been the smartest idea. A bunch of Tejon Street Corner Thieves stumbled in wasted out of their minds. And when I say wasted, I mean wasted – all they did is laugh at me while telling me they didn’t know how to tune a banjo despite that being literally one third of the instruments they brought with them.
…Thanks for the heads up? Are you going to order? Are you going to play your bluegrass with an untuned banjo while laughing at me?
They chose the latter. So I hid in the corner while some of the other guests, who didn’t have any food either mind you, started running around and punching each other. I’m not a fan of violence. And if I’m being honest, the only reason I stayed was because these lovely local rednecks promised brojobs. Which never did cum.
As my anxiety rose, the drunks disrobed to an appropriate amount of nudity for an Earth McDonald’s. Some sort of normalcy was needed to calm my raised anxiety, and their appropriate levels of nudity was it.
And then those fucking alien motherfuckers popped out from behind the kitchen! Those fucking fuckers, same ones as last time! They came out of the kitchen and sprayed me with ketchup and mustard! I wanted a milkshake, not to be turned into a human hot dog! Maybe next time spray me with your chocolate fudge you dickfaces!
Then the lead cook took out some spatulas – finally, someone will cook me something! And then he started banging them together like a chimpanzee on crack! Mocking my hunger with his creaky laugh and his not using cooking utensils to cook my meal and his spraying me down with condiments instead of at the very least chocolate milkshake made me feel so… HANGRY.
Is this a me thing? Is this how McDonald’s operates since Covid? Where the most normal human beings are incompetent and everyone else is either from outer space or drunk? Where fire consumes the heads of aliens and chickens alike? Where swordfights happen for no fucking reason?
They said this has been going on for 10 years, but I don’t remember this pre-Covid. I remember pre-Covid throwing condiments on guests would get you fired. Where eating the guest’s food in front of their eyes before tossing it in the trash would get you fired. Where pouring out buckets of confetti onto the pour heads of guests would get you FUCKING FIRED!
Tonight was an unmitigated disaster in the “not starving” department. I drove home and ate my couch I was so empty. At least there was an appropriate amount of nudity for an Earth McDonald’s. This was definitely not a posh restaurant made for royalty.
You know, Burger King.
And it was definitely not a Waffle House. No, despite all the shenanigans, the amount of skin I saw made me 100% sure it was at least a McDonald’s.
Follow me home. Anyways, when are Mac Sabbath and GWAR going on tour? Call it the Alien Drive Thru Tour and give everyone complimentary ponchos because of fucking course you’ll need them. Thank me later. Or maybe Mac Sabbath can go on tour with some normal fucking bands for once. That’d be equally weird.
