I recently decided to start reviewing movies on this god forsaken website. A lot of movies nowadays are absolute trash and deserve ridicule. So in honour of that, I think it’s only appropriate to try and describe Cryptopsy and Death To All as movies.
I know Cryptopsy and Death To All are bands, but as I watched them, I wrote down notes about the type of movie I could see them making based solely off their music and performance. To anyone who has seen these bands, or is going to see these bands, I encourage you to prove me wrong.
It goes without saying, they’re both horror films.
If Cryptopsy was a movie, they would have funtastic kills. They’d probably have kills similar to In A Violent Nature, and that was the only good part of In A Violent Nature, so well done. The fun brutality of the kills would be the star, but they would connected by a campy story. No one would care about the story, but because it exists, it would enhance all those death scenes and make the film more accessible to audiences who might not be fans of the genre.
The deaths themselves would probably be various forms of decapitation, and the story would involve a lot of running; no Michael Myers in this film! Reviewers would praise their kills because, again, the story ties everything together which allows you to enjoy the brutality that you see.
Whereas Death To All would be a straight up slasher. Wait, I mean a gay up slasher – it’s Pride Month after all! Anyways, it’d be a slasher; it’d be a slow burn; it’d star Robert Englund.
When I heard Death To All was doing a two night event in Denver, I thought it was fucking weird because I’ve never heard of Death To All. Fortunately, I’m not everyone, and they had the biggest line I’ve seen yet at the Oriental. It was so big it delayed the show. And Robert Englund is old and famous, so there you go.
Anyways, the kills would be strictly done by knife but would have as much blood, or if not more blood, as Johnny Depp’s death in Elm Street. In fact, the entire budget of the film would be spent on blood fx and Robert Englund.
Robert Englund wouldn’t be the killer, but whomever the killer is, they’d be reminiscent of Michael Myers or It Follows – slow but inescapable! Reviewers would praise the lakes of blood used. And even if they didn’t like the slow burn part, they’d find enjoyment at the end.
Based solely on tonight, if you told me Cryptopsy or Death To All were movies, those are the exact types of movies I’d imagine they would be. If you think I’m wrong, I’m not. And if you’re Robert Englund, I have a tattoo of you on my arm.
Did you know I’m doing movie reviews now? You would if you followed my kofi!
