If you’re like me, the title is shitty clickbait because it’s always spooky season. Christmas? Spooky season. Labor Day? Spooky season. My birthday? Believe it or not, spooky season.
But if you’re not a sociopath, you might need some guidance. So, with the help of Helleborus, Cloak, Ghost Bath, and Uada, I’m going to give you 9 different ways to figure out whether or not it’s finally spooky season!
WAY 1: DO THE GODS BREAK DOWN YOUR VEHICLE?
If the Gods decide you are too spooky, they might use the time tested tactic of “breaking down your vehicle” in an attempt to stop you from sharing your demonic energy.
So no hard feelings boys for starting the show late. I guess it’s just spooky season!
WAY 2: DO PEOPLE BURN INCENSE IN PLACES THEY NORMALLY DON’T?
Burning incense is an activity reserved for you, your friends, human sacrifices, and definitely not the public. That is, unless it’s that time of year where doing ritualistic things in public, like burning incense, is seen as acceptable.
And when you walk into whatever venue Uada is performing at, they may be burning incense at their merch booth. Which is a sure fire way, and a pleasantly smelling way, to know spooky season is upon us!
There may or may not also be human sacrifices.
WAY 3: IS EVERYONE YOU SEE WEARING MASKS OR MAKEUP?
What says spooky season more than grown ass adults in masks and makeup? Literally nothing. Except for the things on this list. If you’re walking around and see grown ass adults covered in makeup and masks, there’s a very good chance you’ve entered spooky season.
For instance, everyone on stage at the Uada tour wore some type of mask, put on some type of makeup, and wore some type of costume. Theatrics are cool, yes. But do you know what else is cool?
Spooky season.
WAY 4: DO THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU SOUND LIKE A SPIRIT HALLOWEEN ANIMATRONIC?
Animatronics don’t sound like people. Animatronics are rusty, distorted, creepy sounding robots. Their sound is distinct and only occurs during spooky season when you’re trying to scare the neighbourhood kids.
With the use of microphones combined with animatronic stomp boxes*, these musicians turned their voices into rusty, distorted, creepy growls from the depths of hell. Did it sound like a Spirit Halloween version of Willy’s Wonderland? Yes. Did it let me know that it was officially spooky season? Also yes.
*I don’t think this is factually true
WAY 5: HAVE YOU ENCOUNTERED A RITUALISTIC DISPLAY OF HEADBANGING?
Rituals are reserved for special holidays and human sacrifice. If you notice rituals occurring in public, with or without the human sacrifice element, it’s a good sign that these are spooky rituals meant to create a sense of community dread.
Let me give you an example of a sacrificial ritual I call the “Wind of a Thousand Gods”. If Cloak is on stage, you may feel the force of a thousand winds on your back. If you do, that means you’re in the middle of one of these rituals. But whatever you do, don’t turn around. What you’ll see is a Satanic, synchronised, headbanging demonstration as far as the eye can see. You may think this ritual is meant to refresh you as the air cools you off, but in reality, I think it’s meant to kill someone. I don’t know. It’s weird. It’s scary. It’s spooky.
WAY 6: ARE POSSESSIONS OCCURRING?
Lights moving on their own? Drunk people making small talk with the big bands? These are prime examples of possessions, and these happen in only two scenarios: when demons start taking over and spooky season.
While on tour, Uada, Ghost Bath, and Cloak want to ensure they can summon Satan. That means bringing their own stage electronics.
Did they successfully summon Satan? I’m not sure. But the venue’s electronics were behaving erratically, swiveling around while no light escaped their depths because it was stolen by these satanic bands putting on their own light demonstrations.
And drunk people!
WAY 7: ARE PEOPLE OPENING A PORTAL TO HELL?
WAY 8: ARE PEOPLE TURNING INTO CREATURES IN THE MIST?
During non-spooky seasons, people are people. They have people features, like faces, and don’t just come out of the mist like non-human creatures. They make human sounds with their mouths instead of pleading with the Gods above for swift death. If you happen upon creatures without faces slithering from the mist, it might be a sign it’s spooky season. Or that you died and went to hell.
I’m not 100% sure which of the above happened during Uada’s set. But I do know that we were viciously attacked by headless ghouls slithering out of the mist while screeches of peril played through the sound system.
WAY 9: IS THERE SO MUCH SMOKE YOU CONSTANTLY LOOK OVER YOUR SHOULDER WAITING FOR THE CHAINSAW TO COME GET YOU?
Smoke filled rooms happen in weed bars and cigar lounges. If you’re not in a weed bar or cigar lounge, but there’s so much smoke you feel, and smell, like you’re in a haunted house, in a room right before the chainsaw killer gets you, it might be spooky season. And if not, you might want to run.
Uada, et al, use a ton of smoke. Enough smoke to fill the venue and somehow not trigger the smoke alarms. It’s not weed smoke, it’s not cigar smoke, so for our sake, let’s hope it’s spooky season smoke. Because I don’t have the stamina to run away from a chainsaw killer.
So is it spooky season? My scientific observations tell me yes, it is in fact spooky season. I witnessed beings coming out of the mist without faces. I witnessed blood red portals to hell. I witnessed multiple instances of ritualistic headbanging, everyone was in masks or makeup, and my ears were being assaulted by devilish Spirit animatronics.
But don’t take my word for it – I lie a lot. See for yourself when Uada, Ghost Bath, and Cloak come to town!
