In the wake of the world’s skinnest thinned dumbass, Donald Trump, canceling TV shows that hurt his little feelings, The Long Walk is an unnecessarily poignant horror film about people who must walk or die.
Sorry, I mean an unnecessarily poignant thriller film.
Wait, I mean mysterious film.
Hold on, a drama film. There we go.
The Long Walk is exactly what it promises – people who die if they stop walking. That’s it. That’s 99% of the film. Which is great because, lately, Hollywood has been extensively lying during their advertising. But not now!
Unfortunately, having never read the story, I assumed that meant the filmmakers would explore what happens when you have to literally walk or die. And they don’t. They explore what happens when you make a new friend.
99% of the scenes focus on our two protagonists.
99% of the problems get resolved in the same scene they’re introduced in.
99% of the film takes place during the long walk, which is actually a plus.
We never explore what happens when you have to shit or die because, as soon as it’s mentioned, the person shitting dies. We never explore what happens when your shoes give out during a walk or die scenario because, well, the issue never becomes a problem in any scene after.
Hell, we never even get to see what happens when you have to walk up a hill after 3 days of no sleep and consistent walking because, apparently, except for one scene, there’s no hills on this road?
And because the film centers solely on our two heroes, when people finally snap, it’s incredibly sudden; if the only characters we’re given access to don’t feel like snapping in that instant, anyone else snapping doesn’t make sense.
Was I upset I spent two hours watching this film? No. I got the exact situation I was advertised. The tone was incredibly off from what was promised, but so many movies nowadays lie in their advertising that I wouldn’t have been surprised if this film was actually about a ghost on a boat. It also, as expected when every fucking scene features the last two characters (which is only a spoiler if you’re an idiot), has a dramatic and emotional ending.
But it’s not a horror. It’s a drama about making friends. And for anyone who’s a fan of the Bechdel Test, you’re going to have a field day watching a movie about 50 men who must walk or die.
