Disclaimer: I’ve never been to church, so I’ll do my best to make it sound like what I think a church sermon sounds like. Minus the child molestation.
Thank you for coming to our sermon today at the Church of Punk. Before we get started, I’d like everyone to rise and recite with me the lord’s prayer:
Dear Motherfucking Father, in both in Heaven and Hell simultaneously, we thank you for the Life you’ve let us receive and the Blessings you’ve bestowed unto our motherfucking existences, amen.
I’d like to thank Bad Religion, The Dwarves, and Speed Of Light for joining me in today’s sermon covering the topic of Longevity in Punk Rock. Yes, punk rock is the oldest Religion. Older than Christianity. Older than Islam. Older than Judaism. And for good reason.
The cornerstone of Punk Rock is respect. R-E-S-P-E-C-T, honorary punk rockee, amen. Respect, which can be shown in a multitude of ways. We have Punk Rock Elders here to demonstrate. Bad Religion takes what we call the “motherfucking Fatherly” role in showing Respect through Humbleness and Kindness, where they simply play music that Worshipers know and love on a Big Ass Stage. The Dwarves take what we call “the Big Dick” role in showing Respect through swinging their ginormous penises around the entire Fucking stage while making sure you know who they are because they are the Greatest Punk Band in History. Being Elders in the Church of Punk, The Dwarves have used their years to finally find pants that fit their Members, so their swinging is now mostly in Prayer instead of in Literal as in days past.
Motherfucking Respect bitches. Respect for thy Self, thy Music, and thy Fans. Bad Religion demonstrates their humble approach to Punk Rock by playing classics and letting their Music guide their Sermon. Flashiness is for thy followers of Pop or Metal, not Punk. The Dwarves demonstrate their Big Dick approach by playing classics and almost hitting people in the front with their microphones, which in the Church of Punk is not a euphemism. It is, quite literally, their microphones.
Both approaches are praised by the Motherfucking Father for showing Respect for thy Self, thy Music, and thy Fans who put their Money in thee collection cup to worship at the alter of Punk Rock. There’s nothing more Sinful than Neglecting thy Fans with a boring show. Bad Religion and The Dwarves didn’t get to Elder status by being boring, and the Fans thank thee Elders for continuing to not being fucking Boring.
Longevity. Respect. Both go hand in hand. Without the Respect of thy Elders, Punk Rock would be dead. So let’s take a moment to thank thy Elders, Bad Religion and The Dwarves, through Prayer.
Dear Motherfucking Father, Blessed are thee but Blessed are them who have yet to Be and yet to See the ways of thy Punk Rock, amen.
Speed Of Light represent the Young, the Youth, the Future. Taken under thy Wings of thy Motherfucking Elders, they demonstrate the Respect that makes Punk Rock forever. These 3 siblings will now show us what to do, for instance, when you’ve gone a whole set without one Prayer Pit.
Start thy Prayer Pit thy Self. Something all Punk Rockers must do and achieve. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. If thy Fans are not thy Fans yet turn them into Fans either by making thee hardcore Tones emanate aggressively from the microphones or by starting your own Prayer Pit and letting thy Fans follow. No matter your Age, no matter your Newness or Oldness to the Tenants of Punk Rock, Respect.
Before we end, I’d like to say one more Prayer from the Book of Punk.
Dear Motherfucking Father, on this Blessed day, we give Thanks for the Gift of Punk, for without it, we would punch a Hole in our Ceiling for the inability to Pit, Skank, Swing, Elbow, and Dance with thy Neighbours and thy Friends and thy Family, amen.
I want to thank Bad Religion, The Dwarves, and Speed Of Light for joining me in this sermon today and demonstrating both what gives a band Elder status and what gives a band Future Elder status.
I also sat in puke at one point during the show. Anyways, I don’t know if you know, but if you want to follow Fuck Your Social Media, I have a newsletter. It’ll send to your email some reviews, tour dates, and videos every Sunday at whatever time I told it to send when I set it up. I think 10am. And if you want to keep up to date with changes to the site, I mention that shit over on Kofi. And if you enjoyed today’s sermon, let me know in the comments.
