1. Have a good lineup.
I’m gonna be honest – while this fact is true, I really just need some bullshit to introduce you to tonight’s lineup. But still, it would be weird to have Pussy Riot, Nathaniel Rateliff, and Veil Of Maya on the same bill, for instance. Different types of music aside, they all have different types of shows and different fanbases. So lineups are important.
But when you see Alluvial, Reflections, Left To Suffer, Angelmaker, and Veil Of Maya on one bill, you know what to expect. It’s gonna be a heavy fucking night of in your face metal after in your face metal after in your face metal.
Speaking of, that’s the exact lineup I’m referring to when talking about the Musts Of Metal! Below are things you must experience if you’re at a metal show. So breathe in, get ready, and exhale, because if you’re at a metal show, you must…
be out of breath.
Between mosh pits, circle pits, armpits, walls of pits, open pits, closed pits, sweaty pits, you’re gonna have ample and unavoidable opportunity to get your cardio in. First, the entire Gothic Theatre, or whatever venue, will turn into one big pit. Second, every single band, if they’re a true metal band, will ask you to open up the pit like 3-4 times a set. Which means, to avoid the pit, not only would you have to avoid nearly the entire venue, but you would have to ignore the only consistent command between bands.
And if you’re afraid of the pit, well, put on your adult diapers and suck it up. I saw kids, x’s on their hands, innocence in their eyes, walking around the venue with faces swollen like beach balls and blood under their eyes as if it was normal. And again, those were kids. You’re an adult. Act like one and get in your cardio.
That being said, if you’re truly experiencing a metal show, you must…
be out of breath.
Metal is a genre that gives you secondhand exhaustion. By Reflections I was already huffing and puffing, and by Angelmaker I was already cancelling this week’s cardio session. Not because I was moving around, but holy hell metal performers just don’t slow down. Trying to keep up with them is exhausting in and of itself. If you’re not out of breath from the pit, just watching these guys as they run around the stage will get you there in no time.
Which reminds me – if you’re at a metal show, you must…
be out of breath.
I have no idea why, but metal singers like going into crowds. It seems like a pit is the last place anyone trying to sing would want to be, but metal singers are… fucking odd. Maybe they’ve taken one too many hits to the head, maybe they were dropped as kids, who knows. I don’t. But I do know that when they jump into the crowd, you’re going to get excited as fuck, scream, party, and hence, lose your breath.
Or you’ll get sick. It’s so ingrained to jump into the crowd that even in sickness, you know, they do it. Metal baby \m/! And if it’s metal, you know you must…
not be out of breath.
Didn’t see that coming fuckers, did you? “Metalheads” would be a great shampoo brand, and not because pits smell particularly fresh, but because metalheads have luscious locks of hair that cool you down when you get too hot because metalheads headbang like necks are free. Was that a tap on your shoulder?
No, it was a man’s golden mane.
Did someone bring a fan to the show?
Yes. But that’s not what you felt. You felt god’s gift to gentlemen and gentleladies everywhere – long hair.
Is that my hair I feel in my mouth?
Even if you have a great beard, the answer is no – it’s from someone trying to cool you down with their heavenly headbanging.
If you don’t experience these things, you might not be at a metal show and should ask for a refund. If you do experience these things, you might be witnessing Alluvial, Reflections, Left To Suffer, Angelmaker, and Veil Of Maya as they traverse across the US.
And I know you’re not reading this Nathaniel. I didn’t see you write down the Fuck Your Social Media url. Tsk tsk.
Nathaniel, if you are reading this, I apologise. And does anyone know why there’s always like 100 metal bands playing each show when other genres only have 2-3 per bill? Let me know in the comments why that is please and thank you.
